I am roasting a turkey and root vegetables right now and just made maybe my favorite thing in the whole world: Green Goddess Dressing. I am trying the version from this cookbook. Needless to say, I am feeling very domestic. And thus thinking again about the question I posed last week: what is it that I want to do with my life?
This is really a difficult topic, because I don't have a clue as to what the answer might be. I talked about teaching in the last post, but is that really what I want, or is it just a job? I think it's just a job I don't think I'd totally hate. It's just what most English majors do, because there aren't that many options. But to be a professor, you have to produce. It's not just about teaching. You have to publish papers and be an asset to your department in order to be kept. I don't know about that. Sounds pretty daunting. For just a job.
The problem with me is that I don't ever find myself considering a career "my life," if you know what I mean. Everyone asks, "so, what do you want to do with your life?" Well, this day is pretty nice. My house smells really good right now. With my life, I want to cook good food, make my home comfortable, listen to my dog snore in the next room, and be engrossed in whatever book I'm reading. Travel. Sleep. Experience. What job do I want in order to have these things in my life? Beats me. If I must take something at all, make it something painless. I like learning. I do want to go back to school. I don't mind editing. I think I would be a fair teacher. I secretly want to open a business making and selling my own artisan goat cheese. I think I'd like that. But no one here wants goat cheese. This is a Kraft Singles kind of place. Plus, no goats. It poses a bit of a problem. I need like way more than one goat and probably need to work on learning how to make cheese. This isn't going to happen any time soon, if ever.
I remember my friend Dana once said, half jokingly, as we were talking about our looming graduation into Reality: "when I grow up, I want to be a professor's wife."
Sounds good to me.
But seriously, it's all too much. I don't know what I want to be, yet. I feel weird because most people I know know what they want to do and are doing it. I am sitting here making a turkey and feeling a little angry with myself for not getting more excited about the rat race. Is it wrong to want this? (This being the turkey and dog and house and in the spring the garden and chickens and crossmyfingers, the goat (a goat, not many).) A year ago, I would have said yes, except I would have thought no. Now...I don't know. I am living far away from everyone right now: people who looked so disappointed when I said that I was moving to West Virginia and was giving it a year before I thought about grad school. It's easier to justify this now. It's easy to live the life you want when you're not around people who think less of you for it. But is it realistic?
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3 comments:
Is it that they think less of you or want more for you?
Don't feel bad about not knowing what you want or where you want to go with your life. In the end, happiness is all that matters. I'm living the rat race you speak of - and it's not all it's cracked up to be. Be happy for the things you have - love, family, pets, education, books, etc - no matter what it is. You can't take that away.
I fully understand what you mean. I'm going through the same thing. I have little idea what I want to do. I want to do many things in my life. I don't really want to be any one profession. I have that problem with jobs. Society, unfortunately, defines us by our jobs. I don't want to be defined as one profession.
I also want to go back to school and I am looking at teaching. I'm giving teaching a good look because it is something I feel that will be fulfilling in my life. Maybe not the only thing, but one of the things that I'd like to do. It's also not the 9-to-5 rat race, so it should allow me a little time to pursue other interests that I have.
I wish I could give you some solid advice, however, the best I can do is sympathize with you seeing that I am going through a very similar situation.
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